


it’s always darkest before the dawn

by narcissacronin



Category: Renegades - Marissa Meyer
Genre: F/M, title is from shake it out by florence + the machine :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:47:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25890817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narcissacronin/pseuds/narcissacronin
Summary: post-supernova, nova still has many complicated feelings and finally allows herself to open up to adrian
Relationships: Nova Artino | Nightmare/Adrian Everhart | Sketch
Comments: 12
Kudos: 50





	it’s always darkest before the dawn

**Author's Note:**

> just going to preface this with a tw for brief mention/thoughts of self-harm. like it's very brief and not at all graphic, but still, just in case.

Nova jolted awake, barely managing to swallow the scream that started to rise up her throat. She was disoriented and her thoughts were spinning—part of her mind was still stuck on the nightmare she’d just experienced, the other trying to remember how she’d gotten here.

She blinked quickly in an attempt to dispel the images of the prison cell from her vision. Her heart raced in her chest, limbs shaking. A single tear slid down her cheek. She took in a slow breath, willing herself to focus on something else.

_ Anything _ else.

The blankets tangled around her legs.

The soft brush of fabric against her skin.

The bed sheets crumpled in her fist.

She forced herself to take in even breaths and her heart rate slowly started to return to normal. Her hands eventually stopped shaking and, after a few minutes, she even managed to pull herself up into a sitting position. 

Gradually, her memories started to trickle back.

Everything that happened at the cathedral to how she’d ended up in Adrian’s room, though most of it still felt like it was one big blur.

She turned her gaze to the spot next to her, a little surprised to find that it sat empty, though there was a barely visible impression left from where Adrian had been laying.

With a small sigh, Nova switched on the lamp on the nightstand beside the bed. She untangled the sheets from around her limbs and carefully stood, leaning on the bed for support until she was sure that her knees wouldn’t buckle out from underneath her.

Keeping her steps light, she made her way over to the door and crept up the narrow staircase. She paused at the top of the steps, waited a few seconds, then stepped out into the hallway. She made her way to the bathroom and flicked on the light switch before quietly shutting the door behind herself and locking it.

She set her hands on the counter, fingers curling around the edge of it. With a slow breath, she raised her gaze to the mirror and studied her reflection, unable to recognize the face staring back at her.

Though her features were unchanged—she still had her father’s nose and her mother’s dark brown eyes, the same brows and high cheekbones—it was almost as if a shadow had been cast over her face. There were deep bags under her eyes as well, and various little scratches and cuts were scattered across her face. A small bruise was forming along her jaw.

Deep down, she knew she was no longer the same person she had been before joining the Renegades. Her loyalties had shifted and, in truth, she was no longer exactly sure who she was. And though she wasn’t quite ready to admit it, being in Cragmoor seemed to have had more of an effect on her than she’d thought previous—made apparent by the nightmares that plagued her sleep.

Tears welled in Nova’s eyes as she took a step back from the mirror and sunk to the floor, pulling her legs to her chest. She set her forehead against her knees, shoulders shaking. Her entire body ached, her limbs still sore from Honey’s bee stings and everything else she’d endured at the cathedral.

In truth, she wanted nothing more than to curl up next to Adrian again and drift off into a peaceful sleep, able to forget about all the horrible things she witnessed hours previous.

Instead, she just sat there on the cold bathroom floor and cried.

Within the span of 24 hours, her life had completely turned upside down. It almost felt like a dream. Some strange, tragic dream.

She was no longer an Anarchist.

Most of her former allies were dead.

She knew the truth about Ace and her family’s murders.

And her secret identity was no longer much of a secret.

So much had happened in so little time and some things still hadn’t quite sunken in. Her thoughts were everywhere as she tried to process it all and it felt as if a heavy burden had been laden upon her shoulders.

She dug her fingernails into her skin, unflinching at the pain. It was strange, to hurt but have it under her control. And almost... _ nice _ , in some twisted sense. Such a sharp contrast to the pain and emotions she felt from all that had happened at the cathedral.

She dug her nails deeper into her skin before finally forcing herself to take a deep breath. When she dropped her arms, little marks shaped like crescent moons were left in her skin, though they were hardly noticeable.

After giving herself a few seconds to recover, she started to stand. Her legs had grown stiff from sitting in one position for so long and she had to use the edge of the sink for support. She glanced at herself in the mirror again, unsurprised to find her eyes puffy from crying.

With a small sniff, she wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and turned towards the door. She hesitated a second before opening it and then stepped out into the hallway.

Nova was about halfway to the basement staircase when she heard footsteps behind her. She stilled and turned to face the origin of the steps. The slightest smile tugged at her lips when she saw it was only Adrian.

“Oh,” Adrian said, his expression softening. “I was just about to go check on you and see if you wanted breakfast.” He moved closer to her and reached for her hands, his touch warm in comparison to her cold hands. “Is everything alright?”

“I’m fine,” she whispered, voice breaking on the last word. Tears pricked her eyes, though she quickly blinked them away. “I...I just woke up from a nightmare, but I’m fine now.”

A sympathetic look crossed over his features, though he didn’t press any further. He nodded his head in the direction of the kitchen and said, “Are you hungry? I was just about to make myself a bowl of cereal, though I could probably make some toast if you’d rather have that.”

“Cereal sounds fine,” she replied, following him into the kitchen. She took a seat at the little breakfast nook, leaning one arm onto the table. Adrian joined her a few minutes later and set the two bowls of cereal onto the table, before sitting down next to her.

“I’m guessing Max is still asleep?” Nova asked, once Adrian was settled.

Adrian took a second to answer. “Yeah, though I should probably go check on him soon. Dad asked me to keep an eye on Max while he and Pops are at headquarters.”

Nova nodded, lacking the energy to form a worded response.

They finished eating their cereal in silence, an almost-uncomfortable energy lingering in the air around them.

Eventually, Adrian stood and placed his bowl in the sink, saying “I’m going to check on Max real quick, but I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Okay,” Nova replied, forcing a small smile to her lips. He returned her smile, though his appeared to be as equally forced.

She waited until a few seconds after he left to stand and deposit her own bowl in the sink. As she slid back onto the seat, a strange and sudden emotion settled over her. Tears stung her eyes and she found herself unable to hold them back. Shoulders sinking, she rested her arms on the table and buried her face into the crook of her elbow.

At some point, Adrian reentered the kitchen, though she didn’t notice until he set his hand lightly against her shoulder.

“Nova,” he whispered, his voice kind and gentle as always, “what’s wrong?”

She sniffled and lifted her head, slowly meeting his gaze. His brown eyes shone with concern.

“Just...” she began, voice faltering, “just  _ everything _ . So much has happened and, though I’m reluctant to admit it, it’s all really weighing on me.”

A frown crossed Adrian’s lips, his brow creasing. “Here,” he said as he stood up, offering out his hand to her, “let’s go into the living room and talk there.” He paused, then added, hurriedly, “If that’s okay, of course.”

She nodded and accepted his hand. Once in the living room, she settled herself into the corner of the couch, leaning only a few inches of space between her and Adrian.

He lightly squeezed her hand, the ghost of a smile crossing his lips. She knew the gesture was meant to be comforting though it did nothing to soothe her ragged emotions.

Shutting her eyes for the briefest of seconds, Nova took in a deep breath before once again meeting Adrian’s gaze. He nodded at her, expression still kind as ever.

“Whenever you’re ready,” he prompted, shifting his body towards her the slightest bit.

She nodded, suddenly feeling as if her mouth had run dry. She struggled to find her words again and nearly a minute of silence passed before she finally spoke.

The first words to fall from her lips were simply, “I’m sorry,” before she could even really think them over. Though the movement was slight, Nova couldn’t help but notice the way Adrian flinched.

“Nova...” he said, voice trailing off. “We don’t have to worry about apologies right now, alright? Just tell me what’s on your mind.”

She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, tilting her face away. “But...but that  _ is _ what’s bothering me. At least in part.”

Adrian was silent for a second, then breathed a silent, “Oh.”

“At the cathedral,” Nova began, voice cracking. She cleared her throat and tilted her chin towards him. “At the cathedral, you said we needed to have a talk about secrets, so...let’s have a talk about secrets.”

He nodded, expression unreadable. “Right, let’s talk about secrets. I guess now is as good a time as any.”

She waited a few seconds before speaking again, struggling to decide on the right words. Finally, she whispered, “I’m so,  _ so _ sorry, Adrian. I know apologizing doesn’t change my actions or make up for them, but I just want you to know that I never meant to betray you like that. At times, I felt like I had so little control over who I was.”

“Nova, I’m sorry, too. I never wanted to keep the Sentinel a secret from you, but after seeing how much you hated him, telling you felt like it wasn’t even an option and, honestly, I think I was just too scared to tell you, too.” He let out an awkward laugh. “And though this feels kind of embarrassing to admit now, I thought that at some point maybe...maybe the Sentinel would impress you.”

Nova let out a half-laugh, though it was short lived. She nearly grimaced, remembering very clearly how well-known she had made her dislike of the sentinel—not unlike Adrian and his apparent hatred towards Nightmare.

“I can’t say I ever thought being Nightmare would  _ impress _ you, but I was terrified by the mere thought of you finding out. I’d done so many horrible things as Nightmare and there were just so many lies piled atop one another—” She cut herself short, feeling as if the words were caught in her throat. “I wasn’t sure you would ever understand, and forgiveness felt out of the question.”

Adrian’s expression softened, his eyes crinkling at the sign of a smile. He moved the slightest bit closer to her and squeezed her hand. “Well, we’re here now. With everything out in the open and zero secret identities between us.”

Nova felt a smile tug at her lips. She shifted her body towards him and rested her free hand against his shoulder, fingers brushing briefly against his arm. She could just barely make out the small lumps on his sleeves from where his bandages were. A slight tinge of pain struck in her heart at the thought, remembering how ruthless Honey was and how powerless Nova had been to stop her.

A small shudder ran through Nova’s body and she pulled the slightest bit away from Adrian, hand falling from his shoulder. She started to reach for the bracelet on her wrist, only to remember it was still sitting broken in her pocket. She reached her hand into her pants’ pocket and wrapped her fingers around it. Releasing a small sigh of relief, she pulled the bracelet from her pocket and held it in her palm.

“Oh,” Adrian said, pulling her from her thoughts. “I meant to ask last night if you wanted to me fix the clasp again, but it completely slipped my mind with all that was going on.” He paused, then added, “If you want me to, I could fix it for you now?”

“Please,” she replied and slipped the broken bracelet onto her wrist, before holding out her arm towards him. He pulled a marker from his pocket and uncapped it. He seemed to hesitate a second before pressing the marker tip to her skin and starting to draw. Though his touch was gentle, she couldn’t help the shiver that raced up and down her spine as memories flooded her vision.

First were those of the parade, though they were soon overtaken by ones of Adrian the bracelet from her and putting her in handcuffs.

She shuddered again and resisted the urge to pull away, tears stinging her eyes. As much as she wanted to believe that that was all behind them, she couldn’t quite shake the incident from her thoughts.

Nova forced herself to take in a trembling breath, though it did nothing to slow her racing heart. She barely noticed as Adrian blew lightly against her wrist, pulling the drawing. He let go of her arm and she let it fall limply to her side, suddenly unable to shake the horrid memories from her thoughts.

“A-Adrian,” she stuttered, “why...why did you take my bracelet? After the explosion, when you came to arrest me?”

Adrian stilled, his expression falling. He gently reached for her hand and started to lightly trace his thumb over the back of her hand. “I-I don’t remember exactly. That day is a blur in my mind, to be honest. All I remember is feeling almost blinding anger and just so betrayed. I was upset and obviously not thinking clearly. I think...I think I just wanted to get back at you in some way. To make you hurt like I was hurting. And, looking back now, that was really fucked up for me to do and I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to you.” He met her gaze and leaned towards her. “Nova, I’m so,  _ so _ sorry. And for everything that followed, too. I can’t even begin to imagine how rough prison must’ve been for you. ”

She nodded slowly and shut her eyes, a single tear slipping down her cheek. Voice quivering, she whispered, “It was horrible, Adrian. I don’t even know where to begin on all the atrocities I went through. I wasn’t allowed to talk, the meals were scant, and, worst of all, I just felt so alone. Completely and utterly, _alone_. At one point, I was almost sure I’d never get to see any of the people I cared about again. But then you visited...” She trailed off, feeling her hands start to shake. She sucked in a shaky breath. “I thought I was over it. I thought I’d moved on already. But I guess...I guess not.”

Nova opened her eyes, though kept her face tilted away from his. She wasn’t quite ready to face him again.

“Nova,” he whispered, gently setting his hand against her cheek. She flinched instinctively, heart pounding in her chest. An apologetic look flashed across Adrian’s features and he dropped his hand, instead settling it against her arm. “I’m so sorry. I-I had no idea. Is there anything I can do to help you now?”

She shook her head and swiped at her tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t know. It’s just... _ so much _ . I think all I need right now is support more than anything. But also...I’m not sure it’s fair for me to lay all of my problems onto you. I know you’ve been through a lot, too.”

He stilled and almost looked as if he were preparing to object, though he kept quiet. They sat in silence for a long moment, then Nova gave a slight shake of her head and an abrupt, almost unhinged, laugh escaped her lips.

“What a pair we make,” she said, voice taking on a slightly joking tone. “Two fucked up teens with enough mental trauma to last them for ages.”

Adrian’s lips quirked into a slight smile, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Silence settled over the two of them once again, considerably more awkward this time. Nova leaned her head against the back of the couch and shut her eyes.

He reached for her hand, slipping his fingers through hers.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. “We’ll figure this out, alright? Whether it be together or on our own, we’ll both get through it eventually.”

She forced herself to meet his stare and took in another shaky breath. “Right. You’re right.” She shifted towards him and tucked her head under his chin, cheek resting against his chest. “Thank you, Adrian.”

He gave a short hum in response and gently wrapped one arm around her, hand resting against her waist.

They sat like that for a long moment, neither speaking a word, content enough with being in the other’s presence. Nova breathed deeply and allowed her eyes to slip shut for the briefest of seconds. Even if only for a moment, she felt as if a small weight had been lifted from her shoulders.


End file.
